seven paragraphs of real

Two months ago i called you at 3 AM

i expected you to ignore the ringing and send me straight to voicemail

those were always two things you were really good at

But you answered and i felt my heart lunge

and you probably thought i called because i missed you

but truthfully it was because i didn't , and i was scared of my calmness

I asked you how you were and i heard you sit there quietly and confused 

it was like you had forgotten i existed and that i wa once a part of your life

you told me "fine" and that was enough, i smiled to myself

That was the last conversation we had and after that i made sure to let go of you, 

and every negative comment you fired at me in a peaceful way

Fast forward two months and im still stuck wondering how you are

I still wonder how dog is and if you've seen any good movies recently

if you ever heard me say this to you and not written on this blog, you'd 

probably grin that sweet grin, and it would remind me of how much i needed you

once upon a time , You'd probably think i think these things because i still love you, but that 

is not the case 

You see, six months ago, way back in June

i would've done anything to please you, in fact i was jumping through hoops

to do so

to make sure you were happy before myself 

to make sure that it was me and only me causing your happiness

But it is not six months ago,

it is now, and i simple remember you as the man i gave my heart to

A person i told secrets to at 4 AM and fucked to feel a sense of closeness

A person i once loved, yes

But it is not six months ago, it is now and now i miss you but do not want you

i miss the way you seemed to care even if you didn't 

i miss the friendship and the secrets and stories

the sharing of our music, knowing that was our way into each other

Maybe one day things will be different

and maybe you'll call me on Tuesday afternoon and ask how my day was 

These are the things i think about before my eyes slowly close and i am finally 

rewarded with sleep after the days pain

but for right now?

Go fuck yourself :)