I forgot

I wish to listen to the moments between each heartbeat underneath your chest.  I want to count the birthmarks on your body and run my hands through your hair.  The ghost of your hands is still running over the curves of my body and I've spent countless nights wondering if you really miss me in the same way.  You're probably sitting in your room, not thinking of me but thinking about what i could do for you and I begin to feel dirty. How much of my life I gave up for you, crying about how horribly you treated me.  Now all of a sudden, I don't want to hear your heart beating, or count the birthmarks on your body.  I don't want to run my hands through your hair and I forgot how to miss you.  You have become my past and I'm really fucking happy.    

Beauty is

Beauty is not long hair, skinny legs,
tanned skin or perfect teeth.  Believe me.  
Beauty is the face of who cried and now 
smiles, beauty is the scar on your knee
since you fell you when you were a kid.  Beauty
is the circles when love doesn't let sleep 
at night.  Beauty is the expression on her face 
when her alarm rings in the morning,  It's the 
melted makeup when you have a shower, it's 
the laughter when you make a joke and you're 
the only one who understands.  Beauty is meeting
his gaze and stopping and understanding.  Beauty
is your gaze when you see him, it's when you cry
through all their paranoia's beauty is the lines 
marked by time.  Beauty is what we feel inside, 
which also shows outside of us.  Beauty
is the mark life leaves on us, all the kicks and the
caresses the memories leaves us.  Beauty is letting
yourself live.   

cold eyes

There's a guy, you might know him

You can tell he's confident by the way he walks 

He's beautiful but he's never looked in a mirror

People always seem to listen when he talks 

He holds this power over me 

His finger's on the trigger and his eyes are cold 

I'm a target and his gun is pointed at me 

What scares me the most is that he never does as he is told 

There's a guy, you might know him 

By the way, his eyes shine, he sneaks a smile

He's lost hope in believing and more importantly - in me

He laughs rarely and it's been this way for a while

But I love him, and he loves me

And one day in this world I swear I will prove

That he is the most amazing guy I've ever met

And I swear she is the most beautiful girl you've

Ever known;

There's a guy, you might know him

He means more to me that anyone in the past

I cant lose him, I won't ever let him go

I love him, and I know this feeling will last 

dear human

Dearest Human,

You've got it all wrong.  You didn't come here to master unconditional love.

That is where you came from and that is where you will return. 

 You came here to learn personal love.  

Universal love.  Messy love.  Sweaty love.  Crazy love. Broken love.  Whole love.

Infused with divinity.  Lived through the grace of stumbling.  Demonstrated through

the beauty of messing up.  Often.  You didn't come here to be perfect.  You already are.

You came here to be gorgeously human.  Flawed and fabulous.  

And then to rise again into remembering.  

better things came along

Darling, he doesn't care, and he never did.  He doesn't think about you at night, he doesn't see your face in a crowded room.  You dream of him and he see's nothing but emptiness.  He forgot the colour of your eyes, even though he told you he had never seen something so beautiful, and you on the other hand remember even those small, yet important, yellow specks in his iris.  He doesn't talk about you to his friends, saying how much he misses you, he didn't spend hours crying over how he wishes you never left.  He doesn't remember how it feels to kiss your lips even though you ache to taste his again.  Sweetheart, he doesn't give a fuck and you chasing him is only boosting that hideous fucking ego and making your pride even smaller.  He doesn't love you anymore and I promise you better things come along and thats the day you'll truly be happy.   

subtle love

He loved her in a subtle kind of way.  It wasn't like the kind of love you see in the movies, with swelling music and giant gestures and running through the streets to catch a departing train.  It wasn't the kind of love that Byron or Shakespeare wrote about, with flowery language and hyperbole and iambi pentameter.  It was still and deep, like water that you might mistake for shallow if you just watched the surface.  It was entirely his, not dependant on her own feelings for him, and it would still be there whether she, or him, or everyone else on the world disappeared.  It was a subtle kind of love, but it was true.  

we lost our innocence

Did you ever see a badly formed cloud?

Were the stars ever misaligned?

When you watch the foam breaking on the seashore, did it ever make a bad pattern?  Never.

And yet we think we make mistakes.

And we're worried about that.

So there came this point in human evolution where we lost our innocence.

some things

There are some things nobody will ever

understand no matter how hard you try and 

explain to them, sometimes the things that affect

you as a person are the things that will not affect 

another, some find it confusing how some 

situations can change you.  Sometimes the person

you are today are because of what you have been 

through, it's not because you are heartless, it's 

because you learn to control your emotions,

you learn how to block your emotions.  You learn

to not attach yourself to people, sometimes you

look at the worst possible outcome just to prepare 

yourself if the worst was to ever happen.  This is 

called changing, it's called growing up and not

many people will understand it.  

I thank you

Maybe it was for the better

you wanted to push me away and

I wouldn't give up on us 

oh how foolish of me to keep trying

you didn't want the disease ridden me and thats okay

you taught me how to feel again

although now all I feel is pain and desolation

I can now feel something aside from the numbness

 you delayed my inevitable destruction

and for that

I thank you

how ironic -

people will do anything to numb the pain,

to forget everything in their life even if its just for an hour,

people are so damn desperate to eradicate 

the thoughts that never seem to go away

they'll fuck a random at the bar

wake up to the aura of a one night stand and 

sneak out before the other body wakes up

how ironic - you can't feel a thing yet you can fuck for hours,

crying out anything but their name because you didn't care to learn it

they'll drink and get high with someone they

thought was their friend only to wake up

in solitude the next morning in a foreign place

how ironic - you can't stand being alone yet you thought

you woke up somewhere that was the total opposite of loneliness

they'll try to kill themselves without actually coming to the 

standoff with the inevitable force we call death

pills,blades, drugs, alcohol, nightmares, blood

how ironic - think you can toy with the delicate thing we call life

they'll become slaves to one another; doing whatever

they are told by a complete stranger

they're told in the attempt to fill the void 

of solitude that they've created

how ironic - you wanted to get away from them 

yet you turn around just to fill that void 

with the exact thing that caused you

to numb the pain

in the first place.

letter to him

To the boy who never knew, 

                                                 

                                                 I'm never going to apologise for loving you, and you shouldn't apologise for playing with my mind.  I wonder how those stares made you feel, did they make you feel more real?  Well, maybe i was meant to regret my decision for the rest of my life.  Maybe the stars we see in the sky have all exploded into black holes and the news of this hasn't quite touched Earth yet.  Maybe we weren't meant to explore every inch of each other's skin because imagination is better than reality.  I know i said I'd love forever, but in all honesty, what good will that do me?